The River Cafe

Long ago when fresh herbs were dried and tomatoes weren't grown on the vine, there was a man who changed the world. One day this man came on the telly and told us all about freshness and seasonality . He brought us wonderful fresh herbs, and tomatoes that grew on actual vines.Then he told us we could stuff them inside a fish, stick it in a foil bag and bung it in the oven. and the world changed. 
He just appeared one day, like Moses with his arms full of tablets and told us the world had changed.  except this geezers Godly offerings were edible. 
and lo, my disciples it was all, really really pukka . Amen. 

The River Cafe, birth place of the beautiful fat tongued chef Jamie Oliver is not what you think it is. Yes its on the riverside but no it's not a cafe, although it thinks it is. 

It's in a car park

Well that's a bit untrue. It's in a car park surrounded by office blocks. Nice office blocks and there is a river there, you can't see the river but it's there and I'm sure it's nice. The room is big. Think school canteen and stick in a bit of Ikea and you're close enough. Strangely they have beautiful linen tablecloths and over these they have paper tablecloths. Paper. Not good paper either just cheap poundshop paper. Now I know it's hilarious and 'just like a cafe' har har har but no, it's not, it's shit. Hideous shit. Stop it now. 

This place is very well known for supreme produce, paired with simple seasonal Italian cooking. And it's also the establishment that launched Jamie's career. It's held a single Michelin Star solidly since 1997. 

To the food. 

Bread. They have a huge wood burning stove right in the centre of the open kitchen but I'll bet anyone anything that my bread wasn't cooked in it. The bread was a bit rubbish really. Can't remember what it was and i only ate there 5 hours ago.Also the butter was poor. Bad bread from an Italian restuarant is worrying. 
5/10

'Antipasti' first.  Kind of like a first starter 
'Chargrilled squid with fresh chilli and rocket' 
I like squid but in general it doesn't pack a punch so the addition of fresh chilli was something I looked forward too. However it wasn't good. It wasn't bad but it had no punch, no hit. The chilli wasn't hot enough and had little to no flavour, whilst the lemon wedge was straight from 
a supermarket. A cheap supermarket.  
6/10

'Primi' next. That's the bit between starter and main. I do love the way Italians cram in there courses. Ok so this was the single most expensive plate of food I have ever eaten. It's ridiculous. 
This plate of food is £5 more expensive than the FULL tasting menu at Gordon Ramsay's eponymous 3 michelin star restuarant in Chelsea. That's an obscene amount of money.  
'Tagliatelle with white truffle'
Simple freshly made pasta, in an aged parmasan cheese sauce with 10g of white truffle grated over the top. 
Perfection. And worth every penny. White truffle from Alba is the sexiest most sumptuous thing in this world. The perfume is extraordinary and feels like its seeping into your body through every open poor. I could smell it's advance ten feet from my table and the waiter bringing it just smiled at me. He knew. 
10/10

Next up was 'Secondi' the main. 

'Middlewhite pork chop wood-roasted with rosemary & sage with cannellini beans & artichoke 'ala romana'' 
A huge pork chop nicely roasted in the wood oven gave a great smokey flavour and  ate nicely.  Whilst a  well trimmed artichoke was stuffed with herbs and braised in olive oil and wine and was excellent. Also good were the white beans, they were soft, unctuous and well seasoned. 
But. It was just swimming in olive oil. The Greatest first pressed, single malt, virgin be-trodden, silken, organic free range olive oil grown on the vine blah blah blah.        Swimming.          In.         It.
It needed acidity so so badly to cut through the weight of alI that oil that I  found myself on my knees literally praying to the god of Salsa Verdi to come take a dump on my head.  a great dish ruined by the lack of a lemon. Shame. 
6/10

Didn't do pudding. Or wine so no score for those. 

So to sum up. I did enjoy it. The service was good enough and I had one of the best plates of food I've ever eaten. 
But there was a lot that I didn't think was right. This is a place for power lunches and 'impress your date' nights out. A place to be seen in and a place to tell people about. The foods good.
But not a patch on The Eagle in farringdon But I suppose that's fair really. 

The Eagle's a pub. Not just a cafe. 

Overall 6/10

Brittania restuarant, Queen Elizabeth, Cunard

When I started  to write a blog about the restaurants that I visit , I consciously decided, only to comment on the places that i thought people would care about, the important places. The places with stars, bells and whistles. The places that we've all read about in the paper, the places that we've swooned over. I never really thought that people really ' cared '  about where and what I ate, but I thought that the more interesting the ' place'  the more interested the reader would be, in my opinion of it. And so far,  I have (tentatively) managed to  stick to this idea. 

But, 
this one's gonna be different.

This is a review of a restuarant on a cruse ship that has a very captive audience. Only a few people cruise, and normally these people are regular customers, and are quite discerning. The thing is , your first cruise is not your only cruise. Often once bitten by the boating bug a person usually comes back time and time again. My family and I have now cruised twice and have two more booked and for us it is perfect. I shan't go into the reasons, as this is supposed to be about the food. So..........

The Britannia  restaurant on the cruse ship Queen Elizabeth is proficient above and beyond any land based eatery. It is HUGE.  They have 2 sittings a night and on each sitting, the kitchen (galley) must first churn out 850 starters. Then they serve 850 salad's. Then 850 main courses and then 850 deserts. Then they serve 850 'trays' of petit fours, often people will order an extra starter or main , because they '  have never tried frogs legs ',  or they  ' really love lobster'. They do this TWICE a night. It's an immense amount of food. 
It works out to over 6800 plates a night, at least. 
If  McDonald's had this sort of custom,  it could buy Greece . Daily. 

Huge turnover, huge expectations.  Does it deliver? can it deliver? can it ever be good enough?

Let's see.......

Bread is cold and nominal . White roll, Granary bun, brown roll and  sliced french stick. Although not bad quality it lacks in seosoning and heat. Butter is un salted and plentiful. The (self)  addition of salt raises this course to acceptable.  But still only 
5/10

Starters. 

The best was good. Beef carpaccio was fine and a well dressed salad added the required acidity.
7/10
Soups were always good, with the lack of salt supremely evident(more of this later) . They were however made properly, which should never be undervalued at this level.
7/10
Thinly sliced duck breast was as rare as required with a nice tart cranberry sauce cutting through the fat well.
6/10
Also fishy things like ceviche of salmon was properly raw and cured at the same time
6/10 
Often derided things like pâté and shrimp cocktail were handled well. 
6/10
Frogs legs were cooked well but served very un-attractively 
6/10
Snails alas were terribly overcooked. But were seasoned well (thank you)
5/10
However... Tuna Carpaccio was below acceptable, fresh but dull tuna is inappropriate for any raw dish.
3/10
Overall, starters were nice. Small portions at times but that's not as big a problem as you might imagine. Anything sent back was dealt with promptly and you can order a couple, if more than one thing catches your eye.  
Overall 6/10

A salad course follows and is pretty nondescript. A good Caesar was well made and surprisingly springy, the addition of anchovies welcomed. 
6/10
The others all fall into the 4/10 range. Mainly because I can't remember them being good or bad. 

Main course next then. 

All steaks were of good quality and cooked well. I had a fine sirloin a couple of nights and the meat was well aged with a good amount of fat 
7/10
Lobster was overcooked, but a decent Thermidor sauce raises it to 
5/10
Pasta dishes were a stand out. Tomato based sauces were always good. All pasta was very well made including a spaghetti dish with clams 
8/10  
and a sweet potato ravioli with roasted tomato sauce hitting a wonderful 
9/10
Vegetarian dishes were always good and a very nice eggs florentine stood out
8/10
Anything remotely related to a Sunday roast was also well made. Chicken was never over cooked and properly made gravy stood out. Pork belly was good and rare roast beef served correctly
7/10
Vegetables were always perfectly cooked, but equally consistent was the lack of salt and imagination. 
6/10
Spud sides faired well, with a proper dauphinoise and remarkably good chips as stand outs. 
7/10
Cheese came as 3 pre plated options and rotated thruout the week. All of supermarket quality. Crackers of the same quality. 
4/10
All accompanying sauces were good. A pepper sauce finished with brandy gets
8/10
And a perfect Bernais gets the holy grail. 
10/10

Desserts. 

Creme brûlée was accomplished and red fruit a nice tart addition
7/10
Anything using gelatine was too springy by far (obviously required for the faster setting time) and all were terrible
3/10
Anything involving pastry was normally a winner. The vanilla shortbread tart being the best 
6/10

Lots of people moan about food. I do it on a very regular basis, because let's face it - it's fun. The low points were low, but the high pionts were higher. You mustn't forget that if you dont like what you order 
A) you can send it back and order something else.
B) you can order almost as much as you like, and 
C) cooking for this many people, it is impossible to get everything right every time. 
If you keep these things in mind you cannot fail to enjoy your meal. Another thing many people don't realise is that you can also order things that aren't on the menu. Fancy a big fat steak? Just ask and they will bring you one as big as my mums handbag.
As mentioned before everything is under seasoned. However, unusually for me I didn't worry about this. Although an English ship* ,the Queen Elizabeth carries a huge number of American and Australian guests and salt is used a lot less in their food. That's why their better looking than us Brits and could easily out live noah. There was salt on the table so it all worked out well in the end. 

The service is much much better than many ' land based 'restaurants and in many ways comparable to your average 1 Michelin star place . In most circumstances it betters a lot of places that I've been to. You have the same table each night and chairs are pulled and glasses topped up well. The worst service I received here was better than the best at Louis XV.  

In summation. It's so much better than it should be. The staff are amazing, and the menu punches so far above its weight, that when you think of the price you pay, you must realise that a lot of the food has to be either prepared from scratch, or stolen to order. 

Overall    7.5/10

A resounding success. 
Well done Cunard. 

QG review to come. 

* it is not an English ship

Louis XV Monaco. Alain Ducasse

Monaco is exactly as you would expect, fast cars pretty people and money. 
I didn't fit in. 

I did however manage to secure a table at its most lavish and well known restaurant. Embedded as it has been for 25 years, at the Hotel de Paris, right next to the equally world famous Casino. 

The room itself is nothing short of spectacular. It looks as though Liberachi (sic) and Elton John have had a sex fight with Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen,  and Christopher Wren had to tidy it all up. White and gold Ornate bits adorn the ornate bits around the ornate mirrors and the ceiling is all Sistine chapely. The plates are gold, as is the cutlery and the double height of the room only just manages to contain the largest centrepiece bunch of flowers I've seen since Jordan's last wedding. Check my twitter for pics. @epipponimus

To the food. 

Salted butter, hand carved from a glass covered mountain of the stuff was nice, and a slab of unsalted was wheeled over on another trolley. You start to think that this is too much butter, but then comes the bread trolley. The day I visited, there where 32 types of bread. However, out of the four I sampled the sourdough was good as was the small white baton with  basil but the vegetable printed bread (think papadum) was below standard, all were served cold. 8/10

First starter was 'Pan Bagna'. Half an English muffin with cooked and raw vegetables and anchovies. Nice and fresh but I did wonder at the amount of bread they ply you with so early on in a meal. More thought please....
6/10

Next was 'Gamberoni from San Remo, delicate rock fish gelée, caviar'
fish stock was served chilled and accompanied the perfectly cooked prawns well. The caviar was outstanding and plentiful, but the overall feel of the dish was a tad cold and slimy. Not one for the wife. 
8/10

Alain Ducasse has commissioned some small ceramic dishes called 'Cookpot's'. And he intends for us all to buy them to use at home. Pop ingredients in, pop on lid, pop in oven, pop in mouth. Simples. So the next course was cooked and served in one of these.
 'haute Provençal small spelt, chanterelle mushrooms and seasonal garnish' 
This translates to small pot of veg with spelt and........  Horrible. Under seasoned and overcooked. Veg was top quality but only just gets 
4/10

'Red mullet, aubergine, tender sweet pepper and zucchini'  was the fish course and it was impressive. Well cooked fish unusually balanced by the peppers, had good earthy flavours and great acidity. The only fault on the dish was the lack of a blade of any sort with which to cut my (perfectly cooked) courgettes. I speared one with a fork and pushed the blunt fish knife into it as hard as i could.   PING!!!    I would love to say that a waiter caught it,  but he didn't. 
8/10 the inclusion of a knife would have got top marks. 

Main course was next and I was expecting a lot, considering that this was their 25 year speciality menu, but.......
'Lapin de Ferme aux olives de Nice' 
I like rabbit, so to have 5 different cuts including the loin, liver and belly was a treat, even if it is a cheap ingredient. But, and this is a Big but, I like my rabbit tender. This 'cooked to within an inch of its life' bunny had spent too long being kept hot and not long enough being hung. The olives overpowered the whole dish and the sauce was fatty. No jus gras here. I did mention this to my waiter but he didn't really care. So nor do I now. 
3/10 

A selection of provincial goat's cheese was next and showcased some fine examples in wonderful condition. Oh, and more bread. 
8/10

Puds.    Although fully expecting a bread and butter pudding I was served 
'Wild strawberries with Mascarpone ice cream' and it was simple and fresh. Tiny fury fruit bomb's with silky sweet ice cream perfection. 
10/10

The requisite 'soufflé'  was last and was a strange affair. With a top like a bun all wrinkly and weird looking it just sat there looking at me. Until I ate it. Hazelnut in flavour with hazelnut ice cream. I wasn't impressed. 
6/10

Save for some good petit fours (8/10) that was the food done. 

Now.... The service.....  

Never have I been so ritually ignored, looked down upon and belittled. At one point i had seven, '7' waiters at my table delivering a dish and not one of them smiled, once .To not at least attempt to engage a lone diner in conversation is idiotic in its absurdity  and to suggest that I don't know how tough wild rabbit should be,  is tantamount to bloody disrespectful and downright rude. Not one NOT ONE waiter wished me good afternoon or goodbye. Someone even tried to tell me why they serve sweet wine with puddings!!!!  
'it just go's better sir!!!!!  No shit Sherlock. And to top it all off they even brought me my bill whilst I was still drinking my coffee and left a godawful credit card machine on my table.  

Oh well. I suppose it's payback for the Dorchester review. 

Overall. 5/10

Diego would have caught the courgette. 

 

 

DABBOUS. Ollie dabbous

"A game changer". This was the first thing I ever read about this restaurant. 

By the time I realised that this place even existed, it had already been open for  4 months. A phone call  later and I had  lunch booked. I still had to wait another 6 weeks until my due date but  an evening slot would have meant an agonising 13 week wait. lunch it was then. 

The first thing that struck me was the size of the door , it's big. The second thing that struck me, was that the excellent maitre d was someone I knew. Doesn't sound very impressive I know, but he used to work in a little place in Ramsgate where he wore no socks. He once ran a whole mile in a three piece suit (without socks) in under 8 minutes for a jar of chutney because I moaned.  
He now wears socks.

The room was loud and industrial.  Full of bare walls, steel shelving and that metal mesh you get in prisons. No carpet, no tablecloth's. Pretty young staff run the tables and seem relaxed and happy to be at work.  Formality has been binned in favour of friendliness and in this situation it worked well. The 14 year old sommelier not only knew his job, but he also wore  a velvet jacket.  This, in my head, is cool. 

The eponymous chef , Ollie, has worked in some of the best restaurants in the world. I won't name them, but it's an impressive list, and one that made me wonder in which direction he would take his 'own' food.  I'm a massive fan of classical french food so, on looking through the menu, I was more than a little aperehensive(sic). No cream, no truffle, no 29 hour reduced jus?. What'll I do?.  Tasting menu it is then. Let's go...

Good bread starts a meal well for me, so I was happy to have a bag of it popped onto the table. A brown paper bag to be precise. Clever this, as the first thing you do is open it a little and stick your nose in. Wonderful. Brown and springy with excellent  crust, 
The butter was also excellent.  
8/10

Next up was a bit weird on first sight. 'English asparagus ,virgin rapeseed oil mayonnaise, meadowsweet and hazelnuts' . Five large stems, lay next to a large dollop of super yellow mayo, which lay next to a large pile of crushed nuts. Having no cutlery (deliberate) it was finger food time, so in we went. Pick up green thing , dip in yellow thing, dip in crunchy stuff. Ooooh. Niiiice. Excellent flavour from fresh asparagus with the creamiest sharp mayo and the nutty crunch was as fun as fxxk. Playful and tasty. Some of the spears were a tad soft so only 
8/10

On to 'Mixed alliums in a chilled pine infusion' . I had no idea what this might look like, so I was surprised to say the least, when a clear soup landed on the table. Pretty pretty dish. Consommé doesn't get clearer than this. Large puddles of green liquid bobbed about on the surface and poached red and white onions lurked at the bottom. However, the flavours although light and clean, didn't pack a punch. That was until I found the hidden blob of garlic mayonnaise at the bottom of the bowl. This lifted the dish well and was obviously designed to do so. Impressive and thoughtful. 
8/10

Act 3 was 'Coddled free range hen egg with woodland mushrooms and smoked butter'. This was quite literally amazing. A bowl filled with hay, with an eggshell nestled inside. The shell cut cleanly across it's top and inside was some scrambled egg. Sounds quite simple, but the cooking here is cleverer than you think .  The egg, warmed slowly so as not to start forming lumps sang with smoked butter flavour and tiny umami packed mushroom pieces added huge depth. Creamy and ridiculously powerful.  The closest thing to this is Hestons 'meat fruit'. Perfect
10/10

'Grilled monkfish, iodised sour cream, beetroot and watercress stems' was next and didn't disappoint. Monkfish has quite a mild flavour, but this was balanced well with the beetroot purée. The iodised sour cream twanged nicely through the dish, whilst the watercress stems added a nice crunchy sideshow. 
This should probably receive a higher score, but my tasting notes at this point were covered with drawings of egg's with hearts around them, so only
7/10

Then along came the meat. 'Barbecued Iberico pork, savoury acorn praline, turnip tops, homemade apple vinegar'.  Iberican pigs only feed on acorns and the fat in them (the acorns) makes the little piggies yummy. Perfect pork cooked medium rare (yes mum, it's ok now). Was served nestled in what I can only describe as peanut butter made with acorns. the turnip tops were good and crunchy and surprisingly the vinegar dressing was welcome on the deep flavoured dish. Another winner, and sure to stay on the menu for years.
10/10

'British artisan cheese, baked apple and sourdough' was next and was nice, 
but seemed both predictable and out of place in this setting . so only
6/10

Predictable and out of place next,  was a sorbet. It was a good one, served at a good eatable temperature. And  it did a good  little cleansing job.  But I couldn't help thinking that 4 years at 'Le Manoir' had left a small but indelible mark on Ollie at this point. 
5/10

Last but most certainly not least was ' Chocolate ganache, basil moss, sheeps milk ice cream'. This was one of those WOW dishes that you remember for ever. It was also a 'how the hell did he do that' moment.  It looked like a small woodland scene, complete with fallen tree and soil. All made from good chocolate and basil in varying forms. The ganache itself was smooth and silky. The sheeps milk ice cream was light and bright. Perfection.  
Ollie's also created his own new shape for a scoop of ice cream, sort of a large quenelle cut in half along its width. Let's  call it a Demi-quenelle.  
10/10

So to sum up, a 'Game changer'?  Yes I think it may well be. His style is new and light with lots of new techniques and the food is definitely heading in its own new direction. Portions are on the small side but this just means you can try more and more.  You can see the training he's had in the tiny classical touches.This paired with the wacky influences of bold youth, bring out a style of food that has a bright future. 

So overall 8/10. 

The Sportsman, Seasalter

This will be my third visit to this hidden Kentish gem. But I thought it best to pen my opinions after a more recent visit. I also fancied an afternoon of diet smashing gluttony and as the wife assured me she would pick me up in a couple of hours. I booked. 

Top foodie tip here; if you want to eat in a busy, hard to get 'in' restuarant all you need to do is  call an hour before lunch. That's it. Oh and you have to go alone. There's always one tiny table left in the corner. 

I was going to call this place tucked away. But it's much much more remote than that, it's literally in the middle of nowhere. It sits on its own, two miles from the nearest town and about half a mile from the nearest building. It's a lonely looking place. But driving down the long isolated road the pub seems very inviting.

For a pub to achieve a Michelin star it needs to be doing something special. And the sportsman doesn't disappoint. 
On blogs and reviews it's portrayed as having little or no service. The menu's on a chalk board and you have to order at the bar. There is no sommelier, there is no chair pulling and you pour your own wine .In short you're left to your own devices.This however is misleading. The waiting staff do have michelin traits. They continually  smile. They look around themselves. They are totally aware of you at every point throughout  your meal. they always give way to a passing toilet/table bound patron. And they know their menu well. They're happy to advise on dishes and they can work a room as well as many.The diverse wine list is well priced with very little mark-up ,and wines by the glass are kept in great condition. 

They make their own butter here . Cure their own hams and grow veg out the back. The farm over the road supply's most of the meat and seawater is used to make salt. It's as local as local gets. 

To the food. 

Bread is homemade and was good. Sourdough had  fine crust and a well made moist focaccia was hard to put down. 7/10

First course was 'poached oysters with beure blanc cucumber and caviar' served in the shell perched atop  tiny sea shells in a rustic tin. I ordered these without reading the 'warm' bit. So i was surprised by the subtle heat. Instant creaminess with sharp seafoody saltiness coming from the caviar. You warm oysters-you lose the seaside taste. Add caviar and all's well again. A marvel. 9/10

Next up was 'pigeon risotto'. When I tasted this I was instantly aware that this place isn't all about Michelin stars. The rice would by some ,be deemed over cooked. But it wasn't. It was perfect. Michelin inspectors  usually prefer their rice to have a chewy centre.  Al-dente is all well and good but who wants to hide in the toilets picking grains out of their teeth. As perfectly seasoned as could be, this dish sang .The sous vide cooked (I think ) Breast was proper carnivor fare. Rare but not bloody. And the portion wasn't bad either. It was goooood.  8/10 more depth to the stock would have yielded top marks. 

'Baked fillet of cod with a crab bisque ' was next and the plate looked great. Cooking cod  this good is harder than people think. The crab sauce was deep and rich and surprisingly light , but the star was the broccoli. Hated by children and adored by me. Cooked to absolute perfection it was the best tasting green stuff this side of Jamaica. 8/10.     
(10/10 for the green stuff)

At this point I was offered pudding but I decided to try 'belly pork, mash and apple sauce' The pork pulled into strands as you would expect from long cooked meat, and the apple sauce was nice and tart. They worked together as well as expected. It was nice to have real mash for once too, nothing like creamed potato, the spuds had great texture.The gravy could have been thicker and richer tho so only 7/10. 

Next up was pud. 'Salted Caramel chocolate mousse with milk ice cream'
This was my third time eating this , but I forget how good it is  every time. 
The warm slightly salty chocolate mousse is served in a small glass bowl with a scoop of excellent light milk ice cream. If your not too full after dinner then this dish is truly world class 10/10. 

I must admit that I love this place. It's informal enough for you to think its just a pub, yet the consideration that goes into the foodie side of things is remarkable. The service is sneakily subtle and the cooking is top drawer. If you like your food then you need to eat here, it's as simple as that. Come on a weekday and you can pre-order the tasting menu which is even better than the a la carte.

Overall  8/10.

 

The Waterside Inn. Alain Roux

This was my second visit to the temple of Roux. I went last year in the summer and it was my meal of the year. Could this one be better?

It took us about 2 hours door to door which wasn't too bad considering the wife would drive back. So dressed in our best we turned up to be greeted by the happiest doorman imaginable. Which in turn made me equally happy. You see they park your car for you. Doesn't sound like much but it is, it's a lot. Your first impressions are so important to the staff here that the small worry of bumping into someone's Bentley is placed firmly on their shoulders. As first impressions go this couldn't be better 10/10

It's a lovely old place. Outside it's all old black beams over lumpy whitewashed walls,lead windows and a small slipway to the Thames full of ducks. On entering we were greeted by a huge Frenchman. As intimidating as this sounds it was ok because he was so so nice. He was so nice infact that I instantly fell for this big smartly dressed frenchy. He took us to the small bar and started chatting. Over champagne he opined "we do not know how long our life will be, so enjoy it to the most".

So we decided to. We ordered the tasting menu and I slipped in an extra course of 'pike quenelle' just because I'm greedy but he wanted us to try more. "you can change anything you want. You should try the rabbit". He made me feel all warm. He was even nicer than the doorman. 10/10

Canapés came. Puff pastry bread stick, prawn in batter on tartare sauce, welsh rarebit and margret duck breast on gaufrett potato with celeriac remulard. The thing is, some would say this is old fashioned, nowadays we get 'amuse bouched' by chefs. Canapés are so last year. Well last year this place had held 3 michelin stars for 25 years. The nibbles were perfect. 10/10

We were then walked into the dining room. Heaven. The back part is semi-circular and seems slightly raised(it's not) and the front part is all square(bear with me here). The room has been designed so that nearly all the tables have spectacular views of the river. Oh and what a river. The Thames is not usually a nice river , it has it's nice bits but you wouldn't normally call it pretty. Well I don't know what the've done but it's such a nice view that it's a bit breathtaking in its prettiness. Every single person in the room is smiling. All the staff are happy. The thing is, service is such a massive part of eating out that it is an inseparable part of the dining experience. Only this place and one other I have visited(le gavroche) have achieved an almost zen state of perfection when it comes to service. You can actually see it on people's faces. So down we sat. Immediately a smart young man with a wonderful smile walks over with a small table and places it next to the wife. "for your Handbag madame". Zen. Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmm........... 10/10

Bread selection is very nice. Warm and made in house. A fine small white baton was light with great crust and the small rustic brown bun almost perfect. Good butter is also replenished often (I like a lot). A larger selection would have got higher marks but hey,as we know I'm greedy. So only 8/10

Our first starter was 'Smooth Parmesan cream with truffle and pink fir apple potato. Served with an almond pastry straw'. A wonderful set cheesy custard sprinkled with bits of black truffle was paired with silky/starchy spud and topped with more black truffle. Simply stunning. Attention to detail here was amazing. The small potato pieces were turned to within an inch of their lives and the almond pastry was as light as it was crunchy and contrasted the smooth dish well.The truffle was outstanding given the time of year and worked amazingly well. 10/10

Next up was 'Warm escalope of fois gras with cardamom, glazed root vegetables verjuice and sultana sauce' I love pan fried fois gras. But it's greasy work and can be too heavy for some but served as it was here with earthy but sweet sultanas,beetroot and I think quince it's turned into something much lighter. The liver was top quality and the sauce pure clear sweet and powerful. A triumph. 10/10

'Pan Fried Lobster Medalion with a white port sauce and ginger flavoured vegetable julienne' was next up and so far the portion sizes were very good indeed. And this dish was the same. Half a tail and a whole claw pan fried then popped back into the 'separately' roasted shells (attention to detail swoon moment). The flesh was perfectly cooked and full of flavour but the stand out for me was the ginger and carrots under the crustacea. It was exactly the same as what sits under the scallop baked in its shell in Le Gavroche and it still amazes me how brilliant it tastes. The white port sauce was like a light bouillabaisse and the port came through nicely.The smell from the roasted shells was outstanding .10/10

Now as i said earlier i ordered an extra course 'Traditional Pike Quenelles with langoustine tails'. I wanted to try this dish as it hasn't been off the menu for about 18 years and I've never tried pike, but have been assured its disgusting. This is an old lyonnaise dish and has been a classic of that region longer than even Wikipedia knows. The pike is made into a mousse and poached. Well I was in awe when it arrived, three fat juicy langoustine tails surround the fist sized pillow of air and fish. All doused in a creamy rich butter heavy old-school crayfish sauce. The quenelle was as light as a cloud and tasted superb. An extremely faint earthy muddy taste from the pike was better than it sounds and the sauce rich and moorish from the piles of crayfish used to make it. Langoustine tails were the best I've ever eaten. 10/10

You get a choice of mains next and because the last time we came I had the duck (10/10 outstanding award for tableside carving) this time we opted for 'Duo of Seasonal Game with a Pumpkin subric, parcell of wild mushrooms and spinach, poivrade sauce' big silver closhes arrived and ceremoniously decapitated to reveal partridge and venison. Partridge breast with a rich game farce was sliced all neatly over the most flavour packed spinach ever.and it's partner venison had been pan roasted to greatness. A plate fully packed with flavour. The sauce was light yet rich and worked well. Portion size was again generous. The only slight let down for me was the pumpkin. Although cooked well I was unsure of its place on the plate and thought the texture did nothing for the dish. (I'm having the duck next time). 8/10

The end of the savouries was announced with a scoop of peppermint sorbet. I know it's almost a cliche but it does exactly what it says on the tin/pot/bowl. Well made and served at the perfect temperature it did its little cold job well. 10/10

Puds next and first up was 'teardrop of milk chocolate mousse flavoured with caramel, mango and passion fruit filling'. A well thought out desert this. All too often chefs snub milk choc in favour of its big brother dark choc but all too often it can become heavy and bitter. This was gorgeous. The mango and passion fruit lifted it to near ambrosial yummyness. 10/10

Last dish of the meal proper was 'warm orange soufflé with cranberries' and it was good. But I have to say I've had better. The cranberries were nice and tart and the orange came through well but it was all a tad too dry. For a perfect souffle try The Ledbury. ( I must add that at this point I was stuffed so it could just be me ) 7/10

In good weather you can take your coffee on the decking next to the river but it was tipping down so we stayed put. Petit fours were remarkable, individual and so tasty that I ate the lot. The nougat stood out as did a tiny custard tart.
Coffee is nice and hot and of good quality. The change of pace at this point was evident and your left to your own stuffed devices to reflect on eating too much.

To sum up then. The food is of the highest quality. Tradition here is everywhere and everything and you cannot fail to notice the level of detail achieved. Every tiny thing is done for you. At one point my napkin fell on the floor. I never even noticed until a new one was pronounced to my table on a silver platter. Most good restuarants fold your napkins when you go to the loo. Here they bring a fresh one on a plate and slide it onto the table. The staff make you feel loved. As you look about they smile at you like they love you. They want to be your best friend and they act accordingly. I can now imagine what it's like to be Brad Pitt.

Meal of the year and it's only bloody February. 10/10

Alain Ducasse at the Dorchester

Well. Here goes, this is going to be hard. Writing reviews is easy. You just scribble down loads of overly biased views, chuck in a handfull of superlatives and the odd simile and your done. It's pretty much decided before you even eat the food whether you like the place or not. The kudos of a restuarant gets you all hot and the excitement of eating somewhere that's on your 'list' for the first time makes you feel like a schoolboy with a new pair of Nike Air Max. Well that's what's going to make this hard. I turned up to find that Alain Ducasse at the Dorchester,was wearing my dads brown sandals.

 It started so so well. The hotel itself is very nice. Tastefully old but not stuffy. Extremely over the top opulence works well in the long lobby. Tonnes of flowers and the odd baby grand are dotted around the busy bit. Rich fabrics and fancy chandeliers aplenty,it works, you know youre at the Dorchester. 8/10The bar was our next stop. What a place. Tall red glass spikes line the walls and red carpets the floor. Extra Dark super moody lighting and tinted windows make the bar feel like hell. In a good way. Cocktail menu is extensive and the wine list is well priced. It's better than the Coburg. 10/10

Then we went. It should have been like narnia. Stepping through the old dusty wardrobe and into a hidden world full of wonders. But coming as we did from the bar, this felt distinctly reversed. The room is boring. There, I've said it. Brown and dull. However my wine fuddled brain didn't even notice and we were shown to our table. Amuse bouch came. Lobster mousse with lobster served in a spikey half urchin shell. Sublime. 9/10. A great start. The staff are typically 3 star. They actually have opinions and views and are in the most part quite interesting. 9/10. Our sommelier was first class the wine list however is overpriced. Very overpriced. 5/10. Before starters came the truffle, Paraded around in a cute little box. "would sir like a sniff?". Yup! But that's it for free. You can pay more and they'll grate a little over any dish you like. Happy days.

 First course was 'saute gourmand of lobster with truffled chicken quenelles and pasta.  Oh, And lots of grated truffle. Which was a mistake. The lobster was perfect as was the rest. The only problem was the truffle. It was far far too much. I know it was my choice but it was their fault. The fresh truffle overtook the whole dish and all was lost to fungus. 5/10

The piscean part of the meal was 'Seared Sea Scallops,parsnips Jerusalem artichokes and salsify'. Wonderful scallops cooked wonderfully can't be beaten, and these were perfect examples. They pulled apart into stringy bits and were yummy. The rest of the plate was a bit like the room. Brown. You can't turn a telly on now without finding some halfwit showing you how to cook scallops with pea purée and there's good reason for that. It works well. My fish course didn't work and wasnt balanced. More acidity needed please. And more contrast. 6/10.

 Mains were the bit I'd been looking forward too. 'Fillet of beef Rossini,crunchy cos lettuce and sacristan potatoes' the beef was good. Well cooked if a bit under seasoned but the star was the fois. Sat atop a slice of well fried bread was a lovely lump of the bad stuff. Seared well it was top notch. The surprise for me though was the lettuce. Pan fried for a couple of seconds to spice it up it provided a good irony tie for the beef and liver. sacristian potatoes were absolutely amazing and utterly impossible to make and TBH, I don't even think they really existed. 9/10.

So onto puds. There's only one pudding I've looked forward to eating for years and this was it. Alain ducase's world famous 'Rum BABA like in monte-Carlo'. We were offered a choice of 6 premium rums and picked(unknowingly) a smokey dark one from somewhere hot(I think). 10 minutes later a solid silver pot arrived and the cute spherical lid was removed. The baba was then cut splayed and filled with cream. Then baptised with the drink. It was good. But only good. The baba itself was perfect but the cream could have been sweeter especially when served with such a strong rum. 7/10

Overall then. It was good. But the room was the first problem. Coming from the outlandish hotel and bar I felt let down by the paired down style. Grey and brown are all good but it felt out of place in this mad old hotel. 6/10. The food was another problem. Although there were no actual faults with the cooking it just wasn't good enough at this level. Offering you the option of smothering your plate in truffle defiantly increases your profit margins but allowing you to overpower a dish that was desighned without it, is inexcusable.

Someone once said "I didn't say you couldn't, I said you shouldn't" and I wish I hadn't.

Overall score 7/10.

I have read that Alain sometimes asks bad reviewres to pop in for a chat.

He then tells them that they don't know what there talking about.

If he asks me I'll turn up in my Nikes holding a menu from The waterside.

Dinner. Heston blumenthal

Oh dear. Oh deary dear, what a pickle Michelin must be in.
The Michelin guide famously only awards stars to the food on the plate
Not the service. Not the decor. Not the wine list. Not the topping
Up. Not the good looking waiting staff. Not the bill.
Not anything other than the 'food on the plate'. So they(Michelin)
must be in a right old state.....

A table for 2 booked for a wednesday night was easily done although the
hour long tube ride to get to the place was a sod.
Jumping on and then off the correct train was a bit of a laugh though
And we duly arrived in good spirits

The hotel Heston has decided to patronise is the Mandarin Oriental on Hyde
park, it's pretty good if a bit dated now. I'm told the views of the park
are amazing from the restaurant but from our window seat all I could see was
my own chubby reflection gawping back 2/10

The rooms nice enough,plainly simple. No tablecloths, good glassware and
simple menus. So far so good. I personally feel the lack of effort here is
a deliberate anti star ploy but I'm a cynic. But we'll come to that

Service was smart, snappy and full of good humor. The waiter helping me with
my choices had a real passion for the food and practically(thankfully) forced one
of the courses on me. Loved it 9/10

We decided to share a starter before our starters came,so we opted for
'Meat fruit'. We chatted a bit, Drank a bit,Laughed a bi......oh dear God
Just look at the bloody thing. It's a mandarin. It doesn't just look like
a mandarin it IS a mandarin. Apart from the fact that it isn't actually
A mandarin. Glistening dimpled orange flesh. Slightly slumped and pricked
With a freshly cut stem. It was perfect. Cutting into it was even better.
Inside was the most flavoursome thing I have ever tasted.The Smoothest chicken
liver parfait with the softest mouthfeel possible.mandarin flavoured jelly on the
Outside gave a great shot of acidity and balanced the butter heavy parfait well.
The toasted olive oil soaked bread that accompanied it was also perfect.10/10

Next up was my starter(I know). 'Rice and Flesh'. What actually turned up was
A saffron heavy risotto with braised calf's tail and red wine. The rice was cooked
Well and retained the perfect amount of 'bite'. The braised meat was soft and
powerful with great contrast coming from the wine. 9/10

The waiter prompted main was a worry for me. I never take advice on menus and
After I'd let him bully me into 'black Foot Pork Chop' I started to worry,
well I shouldn't have. It was remarkable. No doubt cooked sous vide for a
Thousand hours then blackened on a star it had deep deep flavour and melt in
the mouth texture only doable by actual gods. Rissoto of spelt had taste to spare
and puffed pork scratchings gave super-texture to the soft dish. Robert sauce
Was powerful and tangy and worked very well 10/10

On to puds then. We ordered the renowned 'Tipsy Cake' to share and was treated
to an impressive black steel crockpot filled with what looked like smooth shiny
dumplings. Biting into one was like jumping into a swimming pool full of cream
And booze. But biting the brioche sections in half was a no-no. Our waiter explained
that the sections needed to be popped in whole , he was right again.
Steeped in strong drink and coated with cream is the way I wish to die.Perfect 10/10
(we also had another meat fruit but don't tell ok?)

Cheese was a good English offering with apple that had been vaccum packed to pull
the juice to the outside which worked well. English cheese however much I would like
it to be never comes close to that across the channel so only 7/10

Service was slick and wine pairings very good if pricey. The staff have the temerity
to tell you what you're doing wrong and know their menu well.

So what's michelin's worry? It was too good. It only has 1 star and if they followed
Their own rules it should have 3.

but it doesn't have tablecloth's.

The Square. Philip Howard

Dining in a good restaurant really does come down to three things.
Good Service, Good Food and drunkness. On this visit we had all three

A table was sucesfuly booked ridiculously late on a Tuesday for 4 bods on a Friday night.
We even got a good time slot 8:30. Some would say a bit late for a tasting menu
But I prefer it as you don't feel the need to go out after and spend £££££££ in some
Hotel bar full of prostitutes

Reception was warm on a cold cold night and we were shown to a great table in the centre
Of the room. Decor is understated, a bit like the Fat Duck. Wood floor white walls
And comfy chairs. Bright modern art adorns the walls and there are blinds at the windows
To keep the rif raf from staring at your bubbly.

Canapés came, sqid ink beignets ,salt cod mini fish cake things and a remarkable
foie gras Cornett 7/10

First on the tasting menu was Tartare of smoked venison with pickled mushrooms.
It came to the table in an egg shaped coup. The lid lifted and out poured the smoke,
Very nicely done. The lid lifter swooshing the top part of the egg to puff the smoke
Directly up the nose. Great smokey flavour to the venison.
The pickled mushrooms were the Star being tiny and full of pickled flavour. 7/10

Next up was Roast Orkney scallop with ceps truffle and cauliflower. Half a huge scallop
Was served atop a cauliflower purée with tiny bits of the fungus in a light butter sauce
The scallop had good flavour as did the truffle and cep but the cauliflower was lost 8/10

The signature dish of Crab lasagne with a cappuccino of shellfish and champagne foam
Was as good as any signature dish should be. The pasta was remarkably well cooked
and matched Well the earthy and sweet crab. Simple and good 9/10

Ballotine of salt cured fois gras was the only let down of the night.
The dish itself was well thought out although the 'salt cured' bit was lost on me
(and my pallet).The problems came in the execution. The dreaded cling film struck again.
Still wrapped around my wonderful fois was A nice big bit of The offending plastic wrapping.
Oh dear. One of my companions also found an unnervingly large piece of fruit stone on his plate. Not good at all. 4/10

The fish course was next up. Cod with glazed trotter savoy cabbage and lentils was wonderfully cooked with amazing stickiness coming from the trotter. Perfectly timed cod is probably the best fish you can hope for , the fish falling apart into its sticky sections was sublime 10/10

Breast of mallard with croustiliant of the leg was the meat offering and had good flavour if a bit too sweet. The confit leg being the star. Blackberrys in purée form adding tartness but overpowering and a bit sweet. 6/10

The next course divided the table. A tasting of barkham blue and aged Beaufort was served unusually (for a tasting menu) before deserts. The Beaufort breadcrumbed and fried and the
Barkham ontop of a fruit purée. Wonderfully rich and strong I thought this a triumph. The combination gave memories of cheesecake and marked the end of the savory courses well.
However , strong blue cheese can divide people and this did. Not to everyone's liking but I loved it. 8/10

The puds started with 'brillat-savarin cheesecake with passionfruit and lime'
Incredibly rich cheese with no lasting stickiness was teamed with sharp passionfruit jelly
And lime ice cream. Well made if a little predictable. 7/10

The 'banana souffle with rum and raisin icecream' was a perfect example
of its kind.With the Ice cream dumped in the middle just like i like. Light
as a feather but with an amazingly dense Structure, it was as good as it gets.
the banana flavour dominating wonderfully 10/10

Petit fours were a bit of a let down. Marinated fruit on sticks was probably all we could handle at this point (we were stuffed) but the salted chocolate truffles were a good accompaniment to the coffee, which could have been hotter 6/10

Overall it was very good. wine pairings were top notch with the odd top up.
service was 2star all the way. Very slick. Chairs pulled
And glasses topped up without thought. We were the last to leave and never for one second did
We feel rushed. Apart from the cling film it would have got top marks but overall 8/10