Louis XV Monaco. Alain Ducasse

Monaco is exactly as you would expect, fast cars pretty people and money. 
I didn't fit in. 

I did however manage to secure a table at its most lavish and well known restaurant. Embedded as it has been for 25 years, at the Hotel de Paris, right next to the equally world famous Casino. 

The room itself is nothing short of spectacular. It looks as though Liberachi (sic) and Elton John have had a sex fight with Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen,  and Christopher Wren had to tidy it all up. White and gold Ornate bits adorn the ornate bits around the ornate mirrors and the ceiling is all Sistine chapely. The plates are gold, as is the cutlery and the double height of the room only just manages to contain the largest centrepiece bunch of flowers I've seen since Jordan's last wedding. Check my twitter for pics. @epipponimus

To the food. 

Salted butter, hand carved from a glass covered mountain of the stuff was nice, and a slab of unsalted was wheeled over on another trolley. You start to think that this is too much butter, but then comes the bread trolley. The day I visited, there where 32 types of bread. However, out of the four I sampled the sourdough was good as was the small white baton with  basil but the vegetable printed bread (think papadum) was below standard, all were served cold. 8/10

First starter was 'Pan Bagna'. Half an English muffin with cooked and raw vegetables and anchovies. Nice and fresh but I did wonder at the amount of bread they ply you with so early on in a meal. More thought please....
6/10

Next was 'Gamberoni from San Remo, delicate rock fish gelée, caviar'
fish stock was served chilled and accompanied the perfectly cooked prawns well. The caviar was outstanding and plentiful, but the overall feel of the dish was a tad cold and slimy. Not one for the wife. 
8/10

Alain Ducasse has commissioned some small ceramic dishes called 'Cookpot's'. And he intends for us all to buy them to use at home. Pop ingredients in, pop on lid, pop in oven, pop in mouth. Simples. So the next course was cooked and served in one of these.
 'haute Provençal small spelt, chanterelle mushrooms and seasonal garnish' 
This translates to small pot of veg with spelt and........  Horrible. Under seasoned and overcooked. Veg was top quality but only just gets 
4/10

'Red mullet, aubergine, tender sweet pepper and zucchini'  was the fish course and it was impressive. Well cooked fish unusually balanced by the peppers, had good earthy flavours and great acidity. The only fault on the dish was the lack of a blade of any sort with which to cut my (perfectly cooked) courgettes. I speared one with a fork and pushed the blunt fish knife into it as hard as i could.   PING!!!    I would love to say that a waiter caught it,  but he didn't. 
8/10 the inclusion of a knife would have got top marks. 

Main course was next and I was expecting a lot, considering that this was their 25 year speciality menu, but.......
'Lapin de Ferme aux olives de Nice' 
I like rabbit, so to have 5 different cuts including the loin, liver and belly was a treat, even if it is a cheap ingredient. But, and this is a Big but, I like my rabbit tender. This 'cooked to within an inch of its life' bunny had spent too long being kept hot and not long enough being hung. The olives overpowered the whole dish and the sauce was fatty. No jus gras here. I did mention this to my waiter but he didn't really care. So nor do I now. 
3/10 

A selection of provincial goat's cheese was next and showcased some fine examples in wonderful condition. Oh, and more bread. 
8/10

Puds.    Although fully expecting a bread and butter pudding I was served 
'Wild strawberries with Mascarpone ice cream' and it was simple and fresh. Tiny fury fruit bomb's with silky sweet ice cream perfection. 
10/10

The requisite 'soufflé'  was last and was a strange affair. With a top like a bun all wrinkly and weird looking it just sat there looking at me. Until I ate it. Hazelnut in flavour with hazelnut ice cream. I wasn't impressed. 
6/10

Save for some good petit fours (8/10) that was the food done. 

Now.... The service.....  

Never have I been so ritually ignored, looked down upon and belittled. At one point i had seven, '7' waiters at my table delivering a dish and not one of them smiled, once .To not at least attempt to engage a lone diner in conversation is idiotic in its absurdity  and to suggest that I don't know how tough wild rabbit should be,  is tantamount to bloody disrespectful and downright rude. Not one NOT ONE waiter wished me good afternoon or goodbye. Someone even tried to tell me why they serve sweet wine with puddings!!!!  
'it just go's better sir!!!!!  No shit Sherlock. And to top it all off they even brought me my bill whilst I was still drinking my coffee and left a godawful credit card machine on my table.  

Oh well. I suppose it's payback for the Dorchester review. 

Overall. 5/10

Diego would have caught the courgette.